Paralake a town full of Psychopaths and serial killers?

[Puffy Sandvich]

DUNHAM: Hi, I'm Aidan Dunham from the Hartford central news. Today we have a report on a rising star in crime, Paralake City. Throughout the years of Paralake being around, shootings have become more common as the firearm laws there are weakening. Crimes include Armed robbery, battery, verbal abuse, and theft. In multiple occasions reporters have reported to scenes only to traumatically witness the massacre of the police force. James Benedict, a witness of one of tgese events, speaks out.

BENEDICT: Hello, Aidan. On one occasion i was the maintenance worker at the J&M Glass Company. I went there to do some routine maintenance scenduled by the bank. (I didnt get the new ownership notice) and um. I heard sirens coming. So i looked around the wall to see what was happening. The Parker building was taken over by a gang Known as "The armenian mafia." When they pulled up and got out of their cars, *begins tearing* they all got attacked. From all sides. I naturally ran for my life making sure i wasnt the next victim. Every time i drive near that building it makes me shiver in fear.

DUNHAM: Thank you, James. Coming up at 10, tomorrow's weather.

 

[Bruh Lightyear]

Kassis: Hello, I'm Crowner Kassis from Al Jazeera English. Officer Dill, we were wondering about the hostage situation today that, fortunately, ended non-violently.

Dill: Yeah, so. This guy texted the mayor on his cellphone saying that he wanted 5 grand, or he would kill one of his 5 hostages. We then found out that he was just some kiddo, not even armed who wanted to make some cash! I mean hell, this guy didn't give a shit. And while we were all there, 6 people on the other side of town were getting shot over a chocolate bar, I mean, you can see why this place has such a high police fatality rate.

Kassis: Thanks Dill, next up: who made Shrek the MLG he is today?