So, I wrote a story. XD pls rate it

[CensoredExe]

So, I am in the mids of writing a story/book. And I wanted to see if its actually any good, or where I could improve. Ive always liked writing,and considering im 14, Is it any good?

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1W-N7KeGYtDwgxHvW40f4fFnAG8WdzLYc4U1liqzW8Jc/edit?usp=sharing

Its not the best, but I'd love to hear what you guys think baout it, and any suggestions to improve
[DOUBLEPOST=1515188762,1515188653][/DOUBLEPOST]fIXED IT LMAO

 

[Yaseen]

Can you come and read it for me when I'm about to sleep xD.

 

[MrAaron]

Read street wise and thought of KFC great story!

 

[Deleted member 1235]

It seems you need to develop your English to make the story run smooth.

You are aware of situational setting, but you create the setting in such a simple manner that it actually ruins the story. Sometimes saying "I walked into a small white room with no windows", is worse than saying "I walked into a small room".

You don't always need to be direct. Try saying something like "the absence of emotion was present in the officer as he jotted down my name". It's more developed than saying "The office looked sad as he wrote my name". I know they're not exact examples you've used but something similar.

Also the sentences sometimes run on too long. There are spelling mistakes and sometimes 3 or 4 commas in a single sentence.

Lastly, don't dive into character development straight away if they're already in a situation. It's like saying "The pipe bomb exploded mere meters from Dave, who was a electrician from Carlisle. Choose either setting or character first, don't do two at once as they don't go hand in hand.

 

[M]

Is it any good?

The short answer is no.

 

[Illuminathan]

I wrote one too
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1l2vUT23t9xQtevA4bK5piRKbgYrEzbNu_tGa2FR6Vw4/edit?usp=sharing