I really don't like that I have to make this post.
This is it; I can't ever see myself returning to PERP in any capacity after recent ordeals. I don't do any of this with the intent of causing issues, it's just made me genuinely quite sad to see what's become of such a formative part of my development - a community I turned to and found comfort in during my darkest periods, a community which saw me grow into the person who I am today.
My recent ban was overturned as it was false and placed very hastily and without proper evidence, but as the result of the investigation it was found that I "metagamed" - which I fervently deny, I merely made an informal agreement out of game in direct accordance with the rules and then left any contact to in-character communication - it has essentially been upheld. I agreed to a trade with Remi on Discord to buy 2100 coca leaves for 2 million, we made contact as naturally as possible in-character, and I was mugged and that's how this situation was seen as metagaming - but is this not directly contradicted by this segment of the rules?
I left out this detail initially because I was in a panic and confused by this rule as it's a relatively new addition to me. The whole situation has caused me so much extensive stress, especially considering I've had so many other obligations and barely been at home to be able to access my computer - I'm now writing this on my phone away from home - and deal with it properly. This obviously led to me not being perfect in the recounting of the situation - I was freaked out by the idea that I had been banned for a year for something I did not do, and I'm juggling a lot of very real issues with the person closest to me on this planet which have led to many sleepless nights of worry. None of this is taken into account, and I am now banned for a year because I got freaked out and stressed out trying to deal with the weight of two people being falsely banned for a very longtime and didn't do it 100% correctly as a result.
I'm not good under stress; this is no secret. I go into attack mode or I freeze. I'm not exactly stable mentally. I overworry. I get confused. And it gets to a point where you're just so tired of battling injustices and falsifications that you become sloppy.
Life isn't easy at the moment. This situation caused me so much stress because I was being interrogated for something I did not do, and simply because I did not act perfectly under the stress of everything mounting on me I am banned for a year for 1.4
This has been a consistent issue for a while now: simply for playing the game over the past few months I have been demonised, threatened with community-wide bans for in-character speech, failed by numerous processes, dealt with inherent rulebreaks from certain higher-up individuals and generally felt completely undesired and unwelcomed.
Especially with recent events coming to light where I was essentially being attacked behind my back by staff members in private group chats, I just feel an overwhelming sense of sadness whenever I think about the community. I've made so many amazing friendships through this community, but it's got to the stage where I just feel completely unwanted. I've been banned for a year for panicking, I've been essentially bullied by staff, and I've had my every move scrutinised for months, with more false claims being levied against me in the past 6 months than I've probably ever had anywhere in the rest of my life.
None of this is good for my mental health, I simply can't stick around. I potentially have a personality disorder causing me to have little to no actual sense of self or consistent identity - in combination with the constant judgement and scrutiny, it's spilled over into my real life and made me begin to question whether or not I'm a person that anyone in my life actually wants around, or if they just feel like they're stuck with me. All of this has genuinely caused me to doubt my place in the world and whether or not I should be here - this sounds like dramatisation but with the way my brain works, I end up stuck in horrible cycles of doubt and self-loathing at any perceived sense of dislike or rejection. This is something I simply don't have the strength to deal with at the moment; recently some old traumatic incidents have been unearthed and I've been reliving it every day and to say it's exhausting would be an understatement - I'm probably looking towards a diagnosis of PTSD.
Please, all of you - not a single person, including me, is entirely innocent - consider how your actions affect people because I've been pushed to much darker places by this community recently than I ever thought possible by a gaming community.
I love this community, but I feel like I'm left with no choice but to leave it behind. I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt over the years; I don't like the person I've become and that person won't be around much longer.
This is it; I can't ever see myself returning to PERP in any capacity after recent ordeals. I don't do any of this with the intent of causing issues, it's just made me genuinely quite sad to see what's become of such a formative part of my development - a community I turned to and found comfort in during my darkest periods, a community which saw me grow into the person who I am today.
My recent ban was overturned as it was false and placed very hastily and without proper evidence, but as the result of the investigation it was found that I "metagamed" - which I fervently deny, I merely made an informal agreement out of game in direct accordance with the rules and then left any contact to in-character communication - it has essentially been upheld. I agreed to a trade with Remi on Discord to buy 2100 coca leaves for 2 million, we made contact as naturally as possible in-character, and I was mugged and that's how this situation was seen as metagaming - but is this not directly contradicted by this segment of the rules?
I left out this detail initially because I was in a panic and confused by this rule as it's a relatively new addition to me. The whole situation has caused me so much extensive stress, especially considering I've had so many other obligations and barely been at home to be able to access my computer - I'm now writing this on my phone away from home - and deal with it properly. This obviously led to me not being perfect in the recounting of the situation - I was freaked out by the idea that I had been banned for a year for something I did not do, and I'm juggling a lot of very real issues with the person closest to me on this planet which have led to many sleepless nights of worry. None of this is taken into account, and I am now banned for a year because I got freaked out and stressed out trying to deal with the weight of two people being falsely banned for a very longtime and didn't do it 100% correctly as a result.
I'm not good under stress; this is no secret. I go into attack mode or I freeze. I'm not exactly stable mentally. I overworry. I get confused. And it gets to a point where you're just so tired of battling injustices and falsifications that you become sloppy.
Life isn't easy at the moment. This situation caused me so much stress because I was being interrogated for something I did not do, and simply because I did not act perfectly under the stress of everything mounting on me I am banned for a year for 1.4
This has been a consistent issue for a while now: simply for playing the game over the past few months I have been demonised, threatened with community-wide bans for in-character speech, failed by numerous processes, dealt with inherent rulebreaks from certain higher-up individuals and generally felt completely undesired and unwelcomed.
Especially with recent events coming to light where I was essentially being attacked behind my back by staff members in private group chats, I just feel an overwhelming sense of sadness whenever I think about the community. I've made so many amazing friendships through this community, but it's got to the stage where I just feel completely unwanted. I've been banned for a year for panicking, I've been essentially bullied by staff, and I've had my every move scrutinised for months, with more false claims being levied against me in the past 6 months than I've probably ever had anywhere in the rest of my life.
None of this is good for my mental health, I simply can't stick around. I potentially have a personality disorder causing me to have little to no actual sense of self or consistent identity - in combination with the constant judgement and scrutiny, it's spilled over into my real life and made me begin to question whether or not I'm a person that anyone in my life actually wants around, or if they just feel like they're stuck with me. All of this has genuinely caused me to doubt my place in the world and whether or not I should be here - this sounds like dramatisation but with the way my brain works, I end up stuck in horrible cycles of doubt and self-loathing at any perceived sense of dislike or rejection. This is something I simply don't have the strength to deal with at the moment; recently some old traumatic incidents have been unearthed and I've been reliving it every day and to say it's exhausting would be an understatement - I'm probably looking towards a diagnosis of PTSD.
Please, all of you - not a single person, including me, is entirely innocent - consider how your actions affect people because I've been pushed to much darker places by this community recently than I ever thought possible by a gaming community.
I love this community, but I feel like I'm left with no choice but to leave it behind. I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt over the years; I don't like the person I've become and that person won't be around much longer.
Last edited:
I still have to this day. Sad to see you go over such a shit show. See you on the other side brother
