- Staff
- #1
Idiot Drug-Dealers of Paralake are selling pure cocaine for $150 by the key.
Above: Doug Diller dealing cut paralake cocaine in Miami.
Article by: Johnny Player.
Paralake, Uganda: Cocaine manufacturers and suppliers in the city of Paralake are selling cocaine to an elusive and secretive network of dealers for $150 per Key, despite a key of pure cocaine being worth up to $30,000 in places such as new york. The cocaine, which is not cut with anything, is PURE cocaine with a lucrative street value elsewhere.
$150 dollars might still seem decent, but in the city of paralake, currency isn't decimalized. A burger costs you $50 on average.
In the city of paralake, A key (Kilo) of pure cocaine is worth less than the cost of a fish in the city fish shop, Le Poisson. A vauxhaul corsa, which is an economy class vehicle commonly used due to its low cost will set you back $330,000 without tax.
A kilo of cannabis is also estimated to be the same price as a kilo of pure cocaine. A kilo of crystal methamphetamine, Which is common amongst impoverished addicts due to its low cost and ready availability in the lesser classy areas of the united states is worth $250. A single magic mushroom retails at $150 also. The price of heroin, MDMA, LSD, Spice, opium, ketamine, Xanax, Percocet, Ritalin, PCP, and other common drugs is unknown due to them not being present in the city of paralake.
We had an exclusive interview with "Doug Diller", A recently arrested member of the elusive drug dealer chain in paralake, who had this to say:
"Why is a kilo of cocaine so cheap in paralake?"
"Because all criminals in paralake are fucking idiots. They're manufacturing pure cocaine and killing each other for it just to make $150 a kilo. They don't realise that we're making well over 10x that amount selling it. The only expenses we pay are purchasing more seeds for them to sell, which are sent in from other countries"
"What do you do with the drugs you purchase?"
"For the cocaine, we resell it to dealers in other places like LA, Miami, New York, London, Glasgow, Amsterdam, Evo city, anywhere where there's people with expensive tastes and dirty habits. We also send it off to poor areas to be baked into crack. The weed ends up anywhere, loads of scruffy teenagers want the stuff. The meth ends up in the same places we sell the coke to to be turned into crack."
"Roughly how much profit did you make per kilo of cocaine?"
"Depends. Typically at least $30,000 per kilo. Paralake drug dealers are the biggest fucking morons in the world. Paralake Cocaine is cheaper than Columbian, but nowhere near as good, but that don't matter innit? We just say its quality and people bung it up their noses anyways. They could be sniffing up yayo mixed with dandruff and bed sheet crusts for all they know or really care"
"Why do you give more the same value per mushroom than you do a kilo of cocaine?"
"I dunno, kinda bent innit? It stops us from having to buy more shroomies, if we have a consistent supply of mushrooms coming in and out. No one really grows mushies anymore anyway. Doesn't make a lot of sense, as you won't get your house bombed for mushrooms. People only really buy em off us to munch down on to taste sounds".
"Is there any other methods of exploiting desperate criminals in Paralake you've dabbled in?"
"Now here's a good question. We also have em rob the bank for millions, only to pay them a fraction of the cash they nicked. They literally buy the fucking drill off of us and all, despite us being the ones to offer the job. Even if they get caught and nicked, we still have the 5 grand they paid for the drill, which cost about just under a grand to make."
"Now that you're in federal prison, What advice do you have for Paralake Criminals who supplied your operation?"
"Keep on doing what you're doing, you muppets are making us millions a day!"
$150 dollars might still seem decent, but in the city of paralake, currency isn't decimalized. A burger costs you $50 on average.
In the city of paralake, A key (Kilo) of pure cocaine is worth less than the cost of a fish in the city fish shop, Le Poisson. A vauxhaul corsa, which is an economy class vehicle commonly used due to its low cost will set you back $330,000 without tax.
A kilo of cannabis is also estimated to be the same price as a kilo of pure cocaine. A kilo of crystal methamphetamine, Which is common amongst impoverished addicts due to its low cost and ready availability in the lesser classy areas of the united states is worth $250. A single magic mushroom retails at $150 also. The price of heroin, MDMA, LSD, Spice, opium, ketamine, Xanax, Percocet, Ritalin, PCP, and other common drugs is unknown due to them not being present in the city of paralake.
We had an exclusive interview with "Doug Diller", A recently arrested member of the elusive drug dealer chain in paralake, who had this to say:
"Why is a kilo of cocaine so cheap in paralake?"
"Because all criminals in paralake are fucking idiots. They're manufacturing pure cocaine and killing each other for it just to make $150 a kilo. They don't realise that we're making well over 10x that amount selling it. The only expenses we pay are purchasing more seeds for them to sell, which are sent in from other countries"
"What do you do with the drugs you purchase?"
"For the cocaine, we resell it to dealers in other places like LA, Miami, New York, London, Glasgow, Amsterdam, Evo city, anywhere where there's people with expensive tastes and dirty habits. We also send it off to poor areas to be baked into crack. The weed ends up anywhere, loads of scruffy teenagers want the stuff. The meth ends up in the same places we sell the coke to to be turned into crack."
"Roughly how much profit did you make per kilo of cocaine?"
"Depends. Typically at least $30,000 per kilo. Paralake drug dealers are the biggest fucking morons in the world. Paralake Cocaine is cheaper than Columbian, but nowhere near as good, but that don't matter innit? We just say its quality and people bung it up their noses anyways. They could be sniffing up yayo mixed with dandruff and bed sheet crusts for all they know or really care"
"Why do you give more the same value per mushroom than you do a kilo of cocaine?"
"I dunno, kinda bent innit? It stops us from having to buy more shroomies, if we have a consistent supply of mushrooms coming in and out. No one really grows mushies anymore anyway. Doesn't make a lot of sense, as you won't get your house bombed for mushrooms. People only really buy em off us to munch down on to taste sounds".
"Is there any other methods of exploiting desperate criminals in Paralake you've dabbled in?"
"Now here's a good question. We also have em rob the bank for millions, only to pay them a fraction of the cash they nicked. They literally buy the fucking drill off of us and all, despite us being the ones to offer the job. Even if they get caught and nicked, we still have the 5 grand they paid for the drill, which cost about just under a grand to make."
"Now that you're in federal prison, What advice do you have for Paralake Criminals who supplied your operation?"
"Keep on doing what you're doing, you muppets are making us millions a day!"
