Daigestive
Professional Stripper
I just want to start by saying how much I love this community and everyone in it and without you all it wouldn't be the same. Basically, I've been going through a very hard time and I've chose to vent my feelings and emotions to anyone that's interested in me or chosen to read for their own personal benefit. My goal from this post is to make sure everyone is able to deal with situations I've been put through to the best of their ability. Everything I'm going to say will be complete honesty and help you all realise the real me. But this is hard for me, this has all been suppressed for years and years.
I may as well start when my problems began. I never had a bad time in school, I was never bullied, I had lots of friends played football ect got good grades. A lot of you may find it hard to believe but I'm a really quiet person IRL, but not shy just not very talkative. I think the most important aspect of social skills has to be your confidence, confidence with yourself and your own ability. If you allow that to get taken from you or don't find confidence you could have a hard life. A perfect example for me could be my first proper girlfriend. I say proper because she wasn't my first just long term when I was a good enough age to understand everything at 15. She was a year younger than me, I was her crush, she did athletics about a mile from my house. We used to meet everyday, she was really shy. My obsession came from her being different, unique. We were together for 14 months, I gave her everything, told her everything. In the end she was sleeping with one of my best mates behind my back, someone I grew up with. I'm an angry person, so when I find out I'm punching walls, doors ect because otherwise I wouldn't cope. She was my first, for me to give someone everything and open up how I did for it all to be thrown back in my face is hard. Looking back at it now, 4 years later, there was nothing I could have done. This makes me think what did I do wrong, how could I have stopped myself from being hurt. But in the end, I didn't know what to do, same as I didn't know what I should have done. I dont react like this anymore I just end up leaving wherever I am just to go on my own and think.
I look at how this has influenced me since, my confidence was gone and I had to get it back. I've had trust and commitment issues since. One of the main things I've noticed is if I feel nervous or anxious I'll make jokes and try to change topic just to make me feel better. I find myself constantly making jokes within the community, I don't want to be taken seriously. I took time but I got over her. I remember my mate crying to me about it, how bad he felt and apologising. But I just wanted to smash his teeth in.
From this point on in my life, I've kept all my feelings and emotions to myself. I wanted to be isolated. I don't trust anyone anymore. It's all just damage limitation for me.
The problem with this is when you wake up in bed and sometimes feel like you don't want to get up not because you're tired just because you don't want to see or live as it is. Now that's the worst place I've been. You overthink everything. This is my depression. I find myself constantly questioning my own mental health. But choosing to deal with it by myself, I don't want help.
I've had some relationships since but my most recent has had the most influence on me personally as some community members know.
I started texting this girl 2 years ago just because I thought she was hot. She was a virgin, didn't like drinking or partying. But in the end she got back with her ex. That didn't bother me much then, we hadn't met properly but were in the same school. A year later we started speaking again. I started realising she was different and obsession began. We got really close but I didn't want to open up or get hurt like before. I don't know who I can trust. Because we weren't meeting it died down, she was talking to other people and got with her most recent ex. This killed me. Made me realise that I'd regret the things I didn't do a lot more than than what I've done. The way we spoke made me think things were different. Now, they were together for over a year and I had to watch it all. Every photo, every story ... reminding me of what I have and haven't done. I really liked this girl and to lose her the way I did broke me.
Around 3 months ago, I realised they broke up and I wished her a happy birthday. We started speaking again, she didn't want to say what happened with her ex but I knew she didn't want anything serious for a while. After speaking and meeting each other for a month we got together. I knew this girl would hurt me, I told myself the same thing over and over again. But I did it anyway. After all these years of suppressing my feelings, I chose to open up to her and tell her exactly how I feel. She doesn't know I've liked her since she was with her ex, she thinks I've forgot everything. But I remember everything. So we took it slow for two months together because I knew she'd only just broke up with her ex. One weekend, I offered to pick her up after a 12 hour shift because she was out in the club. I waited up until 2AM before she text me saying a guy just grabbed and kissed her. My instant reaction was that i'd been betrayed, I threw my phone and walked outside to calm down. She ended up phoning me crying on the phone making me worse. I was so angry I couldn't speak. I drove to a quiet place, giving myself a chance to think. She phoned me again and asked me to pick her up I told her I'm just a lift to you and hung up. I decided I'm going to go down, she'll point the guy out to me and I'll smash him up. When I met her I couldn't look at her but she ended up calming me down. She had a week off work and we spent everyday together. We'd go out, I'd pick her and we'd spend all night at a beach talking. The one night I'll always remember is her sitting on top of me in my car kissing and smiling, that's when I realised I loved her. I'd do anything to make her smile. The next week my exams began to get into University so we both knew it would be hard to meet. Immediately I saw her change, I thought she lost interest in me just by how we spoke. I didn't want to lose her. The day before my first exam, she told me she wants to break up. She thought things went too fast and didn't want to be hurt again like her ex did to her. She said she just wanted to take it slow which I understand after what happened. Her ex cheated on her and was picking up other girls. This broke me, to be judged for someone else's actions killed me. I didn't know what to do, I just went out on my own to clam down. It killed me how her ex's treated her because they didn't deserve her. After it all, I had to make a decision to leave her or hope things got better. Hope things will be the same again. But to me worst case scenario was that I lose her and for me if I gave up she would have been right. If I gave up that would mean I could have hurt her like her ex's and showed I didn't deserve her. I just couldn't cope with how someone could tell you how much you mean to them one day and the next be nothing. This broke me. This made me anxious. She knew everything I'd been through and I knew everything about her. The same situation again, laying in bed not wanting to get up even though you're wide awake. Overthinking everything you both said. Will things ever be the same again? ... Even though she just wanted to take it slow I though I lost her forever.
This for me is what anxiety is. I went out with my mates on an all dayer in pubs the weekend it happened. In a room full of people all your friends, enjoying. Yet I felt alone, like I had nobody not knowing what to do. For me I am my own enemy with cynical thinking. When I'm on my own I cant help it or even when I feel like I'm on my own. I met her in the club that night and it was like we were nothing, everything had changed. This made me think would everything be the same again. The same night I made her cry by dancing with her friend just to get her attentiom. I asked to meet her outside before security grabbed me by the throat and threw me out. In the end a 6'5 bouncer on steroids beat me up while another one held me just because I wanted to make sure she was ok. She phoned me, blamed herself for it all asking if I was ok. The following morning I felt the exact same, thinking she had no interest in me, like I'm worthless, like she didn't want me. This made me scared she'd push me away and leave me. When in reality nobody was ever leaving, It's just my way of thinking. Since then she's come over mine and we're just taking it slow. But through it all I just didn't know what to do. Looking back at it all now. I've realised how serious mental health is.
I just don't want anyone else to feel the same as I have over the past few months because all this has literally broke me, but now I'm a lot better.
My obsession with her lead to me never wanting to lose her and do anything for her. My experience is what gave me trust and commitment issues. My depression and anxiety is what made me think the worst of things, when in reality nothing was ever lost and I was never alone.
Since all this, we spoke a lot and chose to take it slow. I had the decision to either stay and hope things got better or move on. I can't stress enough that it has to be your decision, no advice can help you and listening to other people will only manipulate yourself. You're the one taking the risk, you're the one that knows every last detail about the relationship and nobody else. Don't get me wrong at times I thought I was going to give up and lost hope. Especially when all I can think about with her is if things will ever be the same again and how they've changed. That kills me. But to realise what you really have you have to be alone with her, she could act different with her friends or in public,when you are alone there' nothing to hide. So yeah, we took it slow and I spent everyday worrying if shit will ever be the same again but never wanted to lose hope. When I'm in the same club as her and with 150 girls and I realise that I'm only attracted to 1 girl, that tells me I can't give up. In the end it will alll be worth it. I never used to be but as of yesterday speaking to a couple of guys I've only met on nights out, I'm a true believer of if it's meabt to be, it will be. You get together, good you both deserve it. If you don't get together, she's not worth it and you deserve better as long as you gaveabsolutely everything to try and make it happen. We're now back together.
After a few weeks we got back to normal. Meeting everyday. But one day everything fucked up, I was out with her and we went to meet her friends. She decides to talk to one of her ex's in-front of me and her friends. Even her friends weren't ok with it. But I ignored it and tried to hide how I felt. In the end she told me she was getting picked up early and told me I didn't need to take her. So I left because I knew something was up. But I didn't go home, I told her I was going to meet my friend but I was so pissed I just went somewhere to calm down for an hour on my own. In the end she phoned me and broke up before I could even say anything. If you've read all this you know that hit me hard. Nothing I could do or say. All I could do was wait. Through all this I put her first, I did everything for her. I expected nothing from her, she was someone I idolised after what happened to her and how she told me she was. In the end I realised all I wanted was someone that cares about me, that's willing to try as hard as me. That might be selfish.
But we stayed as friends in the end, until I found out through one of her friends she'd been talking behind my back to her friends about me. She told them I was clingy, over-dramatic and hard to deal with. NGL I could handle the break up as it was but for someone to judge me just for how I am, what I do and what I say. That hurt me the most. Being called clingy, just makes me think what else do you want. I never had a go at her for talking to boys. Girls moan about fuckboys 24/7 but I've been there done that. 1 night stands is enough, it's not the same. I don't want that.
Being called over-dramatic, that was an eye opener. She called me that because I was honest to her and told her how I felt, especially when we were arguing and I had nothing to lose. If you've read all this post, to be called over-dramatic after everything I told her broke me. Someone I trusted with everything. Being told your hard to deal with only because she I'm quiet IRL, never shy but I'm not talkative. I was comfortable around her on my own but if I was with her friends I'd feel like I was alone which would make me awkward, but I can't help that. She told me all this on the phone and I changed instantly. I didn't care about her anymore, I still had feelings but it was like clicking your fingers. For someone to judge me like this after everything. I didn't deserve that and hate her for it.
How would things get better? all I could do was wait. Time helped a lot and things got a lot better. I started seeing another girl but when I heard her name, saw her out all the depression and anxiety came back. I would worry a lot about what I say or do because of her and I was never happy. All just because what she said. Seeing her out with another guy looking at me was heartbreaking. I knew she was trying to wind me up. I had some bad coping strategy's when I was down I'd write everything down probably the worst of them all was drugs on nights out just to make me happy. That fucked me up because it gave me no boundaries, when I came down I felt like ending it. But when I was up it was the happiest I'd have been for months. Finally, got my results and realised I'm now moving away. she'll be stuck in the town I live now and I'll be studying in Swansea. That's one reason I cant wait until I move out because I'd never have to see or hear her name again and I could move on in peace. This is where I am now.
I don't want any sympathy.
Thanks @Dom_ for speaking to me when she kissed the other guy.
Thanks @John Daymon for everything, If I didn't speak to you about everything through it all I don't know where I'd be or how I'd feel.
For me to be able to speak to people with people I have never met and gain their opinions just from a community we are all a part of in order to help me get through a hard part of my life with no complications shows just how amazing this community really is.
The purpose for my post is that none of you have to feel the same way I have throughout all of this.
I love you all.
I may as well start when my problems began. I never had a bad time in school, I was never bullied, I had lots of friends played football ect got good grades. A lot of you may find it hard to believe but I'm a really quiet person IRL, but not shy just not very talkative. I think the most important aspect of social skills has to be your confidence, confidence with yourself and your own ability. If you allow that to get taken from you or don't find confidence you could have a hard life. A perfect example for me could be my first proper girlfriend. I say proper because she wasn't my first just long term when I was a good enough age to understand everything at 15. She was a year younger than me, I was her crush, she did athletics about a mile from my house. We used to meet everyday, she was really shy. My obsession came from her being different, unique. We were together for 14 months, I gave her everything, told her everything. In the end she was sleeping with one of my best mates behind my back, someone I grew up with. I'm an angry person, so when I find out I'm punching walls, doors ect because otherwise I wouldn't cope. She was my first, for me to give someone everything and open up how I did for it all to be thrown back in my face is hard. Looking back at it now, 4 years later, there was nothing I could have done. This makes me think what did I do wrong, how could I have stopped myself from being hurt. But in the end, I didn't know what to do, same as I didn't know what I should have done. I dont react like this anymore I just end up leaving wherever I am just to go on my own and think.
I look at how this has influenced me since, my confidence was gone and I had to get it back. I've had trust and commitment issues since. One of the main things I've noticed is if I feel nervous or anxious I'll make jokes and try to change topic just to make me feel better. I find myself constantly making jokes within the community, I don't want to be taken seriously. I took time but I got over her. I remember my mate crying to me about it, how bad he felt and apologising. But I just wanted to smash his teeth in.
From this point on in my life, I've kept all my feelings and emotions to myself. I wanted to be isolated. I don't trust anyone anymore. It's all just damage limitation for me.
The problem with this is when you wake up in bed and sometimes feel like you don't want to get up not because you're tired just because you don't want to see or live as it is. Now that's the worst place I've been. You overthink everything. This is my depression. I find myself constantly questioning my own mental health. But choosing to deal with it by myself, I don't want help.
I've had some relationships since but my most recent has had the most influence on me personally as some community members know.
I started texting this girl 2 years ago just because I thought she was hot. She was a virgin, didn't like drinking or partying. But in the end she got back with her ex. That didn't bother me much then, we hadn't met properly but were in the same school. A year later we started speaking again. I started realising she was different and obsession began. We got really close but I didn't want to open up or get hurt like before. I don't know who I can trust. Because we weren't meeting it died down, she was talking to other people and got with her most recent ex. This killed me. Made me realise that I'd regret the things I didn't do a lot more than than what I've done. The way we spoke made me think things were different. Now, they were together for over a year and I had to watch it all. Every photo, every story ... reminding me of what I have and haven't done. I really liked this girl and to lose her the way I did broke me.
Around 3 months ago, I realised they broke up and I wished her a happy birthday. We started speaking again, she didn't want to say what happened with her ex but I knew she didn't want anything serious for a while. After speaking and meeting each other for a month we got together. I knew this girl would hurt me, I told myself the same thing over and over again. But I did it anyway. After all these years of suppressing my feelings, I chose to open up to her and tell her exactly how I feel. She doesn't know I've liked her since she was with her ex, she thinks I've forgot everything. But I remember everything. So we took it slow for two months together because I knew she'd only just broke up with her ex. One weekend, I offered to pick her up after a 12 hour shift because she was out in the club. I waited up until 2AM before she text me saying a guy just grabbed and kissed her. My instant reaction was that i'd been betrayed, I threw my phone and walked outside to calm down. She ended up phoning me crying on the phone making me worse. I was so angry I couldn't speak. I drove to a quiet place, giving myself a chance to think. She phoned me again and asked me to pick her up I told her I'm just a lift to you and hung up. I decided I'm going to go down, she'll point the guy out to me and I'll smash him up. When I met her I couldn't look at her but she ended up calming me down. She had a week off work and we spent everyday together. We'd go out, I'd pick her and we'd spend all night at a beach talking. The one night I'll always remember is her sitting on top of me in my car kissing and smiling, that's when I realised I loved her. I'd do anything to make her smile. The next week my exams began to get into University so we both knew it would be hard to meet. Immediately I saw her change, I thought she lost interest in me just by how we spoke. I didn't want to lose her. The day before my first exam, she told me she wants to break up. She thought things went too fast and didn't want to be hurt again like her ex did to her. She said she just wanted to take it slow which I understand after what happened. Her ex cheated on her and was picking up other girls. This broke me, to be judged for someone else's actions killed me. I didn't know what to do, I just went out on my own to clam down. It killed me how her ex's treated her because they didn't deserve her. After it all, I had to make a decision to leave her or hope things got better. Hope things will be the same again. But to me worst case scenario was that I lose her and for me if I gave up she would have been right. If I gave up that would mean I could have hurt her like her ex's and showed I didn't deserve her. I just couldn't cope with how someone could tell you how much you mean to them one day and the next be nothing. This broke me. This made me anxious. She knew everything I'd been through and I knew everything about her. The same situation again, laying in bed not wanting to get up even though you're wide awake. Overthinking everything you both said. Will things ever be the same again? ... Even though she just wanted to take it slow I though I lost her forever.
This for me is what anxiety is. I went out with my mates on an all dayer in pubs the weekend it happened. In a room full of people all your friends, enjoying. Yet I felt alone, like I had nobody not knowing what to do. For me I am my own enemy with cynical thinking. When I'm on my own I cant help it or even when I feel like I'm on my own. I met her in the club that night and it was like we were nothing, everything had changed. This made me think would everything be the same again. The same night I made her cry by dancing with her friend just to get her attentiom. I asked to meet her outside before security grabbed me by the throat and threw me out. In the end a 6'5 bouncer on steroids beat me up while another one held me just because I wanted to make sure she was ok. She phoned me, blamed herself for it all asking if I was ok. The following morning I felt the exact same, thinking she had no interest in me, like I'm worthless, like she didn't want me. This made me scared she'd push me away and leave me. When in reality nobody was ever leaving, It's just my way of thinking. Since then she's come over mine and we're just taking it slow. But through it all I just didn't know what to do. Looking back at it all now. I've realised how serious mental health is.
I just don't want anyone else to feel the same as I have over the past few months because all this has literally broke me, but now I'm a lot better.
My obsession with her lead to me never wanting to lose her and do anything for her. My experience is what gave me trust and commitment issues. My depression and anxiety is what made me think the worst of things, when in reality nothing was ever lost and I was never alone.
Since all this, we spoke a lot and chose to take it slow. I had the decision to either stay and hope things got better or move on. I can't stress enough that it has to be your decision, no advice can help you and listening to other people will only manipulate yourself. You're the one taking the risk, you're the one that knows every last detail about the relationship and nobody else. Don't get me wrong at times I thought I was going to give up and lost hope. Especially when all I can think about with her is if things will ever be the same again and how they've changed. That kills me. But to realise what you really have you have to be alone with her, she could act different with her friends or in public,when you are alone there' nothing to hide. So yeah, we took it slow and I spent everyday worrying if shit will ever be the same again but never wanted to lose hope. When I'm in the same club as her and with 150 girls and I realise that I'm only attracted to 1 girl, that tells me I can't give up. In the end it will alll be worth it. I never used to be but as of yesterday speaking to a couple of guys I've only met on nights out, I'm a true believer of if it's meabt to be, it will be. You get together, good you both deserve it. If you don't get together, she's not worth it and you deserve better as long as you gaveabsolutely everything to try and make it happen. We're now back together.
After a few weeks we got back to normal. Meeting everyday. But one day everything fucked up, I was out with her and we went to meet her friends. She decides to talk to one of her ex's in-front of me and her friends. Even her friends weren't ok with it. But I ignored it and tried to hide how I felt. In the end she told me she was getting picked up early and told me I didn't need to take her. So I left because I knew something was up. But I didn't go home, I told her I was going to meet my friend but I was so pissed I just went somewhere to calm down for an hour on my own. In the end she phoned me and broke up before I could even say anything. If you've read all this you know that hit me hard. Nothing I could do or say. All I could do was wait. Through all this I put her first, I did everything for her. I expected nothing from her, she was someone I idolised after what happened to her and how she told me she was. In the end I realised all I wanted was someone that cares about me, that's willing to try as hard as me. That might be selfish.
But we stayed as friends in the end, until I found out through one of her friends she'd been talking behind my back to her friends about me. She told them I was clingy, over-dramatic and hard to deal with. NGL I could handle the break up as it was but for someone to judge me just for how I am, what I do and what I say. That hurt me the most. Being called clingy, just makes me think what else do you want. I never had a go at her for talking to boys. Girls moan about fuckboys 24/7 but I've been there done that. 1 night stands is enough, it's not the same. I don't want that.
Being called over-dramatic, that was an eye opener. She called me that because I was honest to her and told her how I felt, especially when we were arguing and I had nothing to lose. If you've read all this post, to be called over-dramatic after everything I told her broke me. Someone I trusted with everything. Being told your hard to deal with only because she I'm quiet IRL, never shy but I'm not talkative. I was comfortable around her on my own but if I was with her friends I'd feel like I was alone which would make me awkward, but I can't help that. She told me all this on the phone and I changed instantly. I didn't care about her anymore, I still had feelings but it was like clicking your fingers. For someone to judge me like this after everything. I didn't deserve that and hate her for it.
How would things get better? all I could do was wait. Time helped a lot and things got a lot better. I started seeing another girl but when I heard her name, saw her out all the depression and anxiety came back. I would worry a lot about what I say or do because of her and I was never happy. All just because what she said. Seeing her out with another guy looking at me was heartbreaking. I knew she was trying to wind me up. I had some bad coping strategy's when I was down I'd write everything down probably the worst of them all was drugs on nights out just to make me happy. That fucked me up because it gave me no boundaries, when I came down I felt like ending it. But when I was up it was the happiest I'd have been for months. Finally, got my results and realised I'm now moving away. she'll be stuck in the town I live now and I'll be studying in Swansea. That's one reason I cant wait until I move out because I'd never have to see or hear her name again and I could move on in peace. This is where I am now.
I don't want any sympathy.
Thanks @Dom_ for speaking to me when she kissed the other guy.
Thanks @John Daymon for everything, If I didn't speak to you about everything through it all I don't know where I'd be or how I'd feel.
For me to be able to speak to people with people I have never met and gain their opinions just from a community we are all a part of in order to help me get through a hard part of my life with no complications shows just how amazing this community really is.
The purpose for my post is that none of you have to feel the same way I have throughout all of this.
I love you all.
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