Need some feedback on my English story I'm working on

[DeltaForce]

Hello I would like to get some feedback, from what I'm currently working on. I'm still not finished yet but I would like some Feedback anyways just to improve anything I have currently made
Title of the story
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Classified US Army - S/Sergeant Lee Swagger’s file “KIA”
Click here for the PDF file
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Regards DeltaForce

 

[MILKY]

Damn ur good i think its perfect but i dont know the writing rules in the usa or uk but in sweden if u write this u get the grade A

 

[Photon]

REMEMBER

USING MLA FORMAT IS VITAL

IT IS ESSENTIAL YOU KNOW THIS OR POINTS WILL BE TAKEN OFF YOUR JOB RESUME IN THE FUTURE IF YOU DO NOT UTILIZE THIS USELESS FORMAT!!!!!!

Spoiler

few grammar mistakes, seems a little bit too condensed. try being more thorough and shit. refer to the rubric xd

 

[Exnem]

"There last now 20-10(Location) was near that spot"

I have never heard of a code called 20-10.
It should also be "Their last known location" as nobody ever uses code while speaking to a person beside them, this mostly happens over radio. "There" is used when you are specifying a location right after the using it, where as "Their" should be used to specify their location at that exact moment.

Sir_Yes Sir! Alright let’s move out!

There's no quotation marks in this reply. There should also be a comma where the underscore is placed.

“Keep your eyes open for anything_we are currently leaving the safe zone

There should be a comma where the underscore is placed to give the reader an easier time reading this sentence, "currently" should also be removed, this way it'll be smoother to read.

...ot anyone why touches the vehicle”

who*. Strike through should be replaced with a simple dash ( - ) as it's obvious what he's trying to say here.

BE ADVISED WE’VE (We have) AN ENEMY

I suggest you extend this word, but this is entirely optional as it still makes sense.

Other than that the story so far is put together nicely, and is easily readable with the exception of grammar mistakes.
Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 1235]

'we are currently in the year 2245' should be changed to, 'it is currently the year 2245' as you've not mentioned anyone else other than the main character so 'we' wouldn't make sense.

'The USA has been in war with the USSR the war also known as the East Conflict, and the west side of Europe are involved in the war as well'. Makes sense but should be re-arranged to be something like 'The USA and Western Europe are at war with the USSR in what is known as the Eastern Conflict'. Only use north/east/south/west if you're talking in a more first person tense. "Warsaw is located in Eastern Europe" compared to "My friend and I are travelling west to Paris"

' Alright Cpl. Johnson, Cpl. James, SPC. Jim and Sgt. Max it’s time to do our patrol in London, and James! Go grab our USMC Hmmwv”. Nothing particularly wrong here but the and infront of James seems ever so slightly off. I'd recommend 'Alright Cpl. Johnson, Cpl. James, SPC. Jim and Sgt. Max it’s time to do our patrol in London. James! Go grab our USMC Hmmwv”.

'Meanwhile James goes to grab the Hmmwv Johnson, Jim, Max and I are gearing up' Your tenses here vary a little bit, using the world meanwhile implies your're talking from a 3rd person perspective yet you use the word I for gearing up. 'Whilst James went to grab the Hmmvw, Johnson, Jim, Max and myself were gearing up', would be better suited if you were talking in past tense (which judging by the fact this is a log implies you are writing about events that have already happened".

, but since yester we have lost contact with Company Delta Force Platoon Bravo” As for here, I think the word however would fit better, also proper English tends to be the name before the object (dont ask super weird to explain). 'however, since yesterday we've lost contact with Delta Company, Bravo Platoon'

“There last now 20-10(Location) was near that spot so what we have to do is firstly get our men back, and then secure the food supply is that clear" Firstly you need to use the correct spelling for 'there' You have their (which is for possessions that someone owns or when talking about individuals), "Their house is on fire", then there's there for (locations or individual objects) such as "The football lander over there by the bushes" and then there's they're (which stands for they are and is used to describe two or more individuals) "They're advancing on our position with armour". The correct sentence for you would be 'Their last known 10-20 (location) was around that spot, so what we have to do first of all, is get our men back. After that we will secure the food supply. Is that clear?'

“Keep your eyes open for anything we are currently leaving the safe zone everything we will see has gone to shit, and if you need to you are allowed to shoot anyone why touches the vehicle” (Lee Swagger was interrupted by the radio)' Just word ordering here again mainly, it should be "Keep your eyes open for anything suspicious, we're currently leaving the safe zone. Everything you will see has gone to shit. If the need arises, you have permission to touch anybody who touches the vehi-" use - if you want to cut a word short or if you want an eclipses (3 dots) so it would be 'who touches the vehi..."

The final paragraph it fine, no main errors or anything that stand out to me as a native English speaker, so it would certainly not stand out to a foreign English teacher. Pretty good work considering you're only 14! Keep this up and you'll be fluent in no time. Everything was understandable it was just the ordering and structure that needs fine tuning.

 

[Allen Kennedy]

As someone who writes in their spare time and often reads FanFiction and other amateur works, as well as fiction novels, I'd say it's certainly not bad. As Duffy and Kuno mentioned, there are those little grammatical mistakes, as well as things that can be done to improve upon readability, etc. However besides these minor issues, the writing and story are pretty good. From what I can see there are no words out of place, misspelled, or that blatantly shouldn't be there.

Not to mention it's already better spelling and grammar wise than half of the stuff on FanFiction.net.

 

[Mathias]

I think it's great that you're seeking feedback from the community on this text! I can picture myself, because I wrote something similar back at 13-ish. I think the theme you went with was very interesting to say the least but there is something I'd change with it.

Firstly, what prospective are we reading this from? From the top text it informs us that it's a file with ranking, person and stationed area. But then it hops to some sort of diary with an ingress of who this person is and what is happening. Same thing goes for the main part, now we're seeing it from a present 3rd perspective.

Secondly, the use of numbers and reply lines. When you have a bunch of numbers in a text it's easy to fall out of the whole story. In addition the mass use of reply lines makes it very boring. There's nothing really happening it's just "this happened, he said this and that happened" type of scenario. It would be more exciting if there were used more adjectives and if you just dropped the reply lines.
Example of how to structure the text

Spoiler: Your version

Meanwhile James goes to grab the Hmmwv Johnson, Jim, Max and I are gearing up. “All right boys the plan

of today is to secure a food supply in the midtown of London, but since yester we have lost contact with

Company Delta Force Platoon Bravo”. “There last now 20-10(Location) was near that spot so what we have

to do is firstly get our men back, and then secure the food supply is that clear?” Sir Yes Sir! Alright let’s move

out!

Spoiler: Changed

I'm going through my locker trying to find the sweaty armor that was used the day before. In the corner of my eye I see James storm out the room to get the rest of the boys. We gather in the damp conference room under ground. Our squad leader gives us instructions on our mission whilst bits of gravel and drops of water fall from the sealing. My hands are wet and cold, but not from the water but from the extreme anxiety of not making it. He keeps talking but my mind is another place, it's time. (...)

Conclusion: Work on staying in the right perspective/time and try to describe more rather than making scripts for a movie.

 

[DeltaForce]

Okay so after some feedback and alot of writing I think it's done Thanks to [@Duffy (I took your ideas and placed them into the story) @Kuno (I did fix the grammar mistakes) @Photon (I changed the format) @Mathias (I tried to describe more stuff as you said) @Allen Kennedy (fixed grammar mistakes) But again thanks alot guys If you want to find the final product you can find it here

Classified US Army - S/Sergeant Lee Swagger’s file “Missing”​